Find the light in the darkness

The loss of a social connection such as a partner, friend—or a pet—hurts. Studies show that this sense of a lost connection can even cause physical pain. Laura Devlin, registered psychological associate, says that it’s often helpful to see the loss you’re going through as a type of death. Allow yourself time to grieve, and expect your emotions to come in waves, says Devlin.

“Depending on the length of the relationship, this might be happening for some time,” says Devlin. “Allow yourself to go through this grieving period with grace and compassion.”

Finding the light

Healing from a broken heart can help us practice resilience and become stronger.

It may be difficult to identify a positive side to a breakup when you’re in the thick of experiencing heartache, acknowledges Devlin. However, in working with clients for the past decade, she’s reframed it as an opportunity to reflect on your relationship with yourself—in particular on the aspects of yourself you may have neglected.

A growth mindset will assist in turning the painful into the positive, Devlin says. You can start by getting curious about your preferences and personality by asking questions like: “What do I enjoy doing? Where do I like to go out to eat? How do I like to decorate my place?”

On a psychological level, says Devlin, a breakup is like pressing the pause button on your life, providing the opportunity to analyze your patterns, including your attachment styles, triggers, and habits.

Reaching for the light

“First and foremost, in this digital age, try to create guardrails in your life, so you’re not exposed to reminders in your life,” says Devlin. This could include removing that person’s number from your phone or limiting your exposure on social media.

Other activities like therapeutic journaling or distractions like spending time with friends or engaging in activities you haven’t done in a while, can be soothing.

It can be very tiring to be processing grief, so Devlin prescribes plenty of “TLC,” including watching feel-good movies, yoga, and so on.

Devlin also recommends talking through your experience with a trained therapist.

Four ways to support a loved one dealing with a broken heart

  • Don’t just ask if there’s anything you can do for a grieving friend. Make a specific offer to help, such as providing food, helping with housework, or running a specific errand.
  • Use your active listening skills, like nodding and making eye contact. Try not to interject with reflections on your own experiences with grief.
  • Instead of greeting your friend with a routine “how are you?”—bound to be met with an obvious answer—instead, ask “How are you feeling today?”
  • Keep your judgements in check. The grieving process is unique for everyone.